Damn
by iicaptain
Summary: General Stargate crack humour. Random word prompts.


**Damn**

All noise stopped the first time Teal'c swore [in public], red jelly all down his uniform and across the floor of the lunchroom. The officer who had run in front of the Jaffa at the wrong time cowered in fear, while Jack just laughed.

**Education**

Trying to teach Jack just how the Stargate worked was an impossibility, Sam mused as Daniel proceeded to hit his head on the desk. It was like trying to teach a five year old astrophysics.

**Python**

"T, what is that?"

"It appears to be a carpet snake."

"I don't care what it is, get it out of my bed _now_, T!"

"I do believe you're having an 'Indiana Jones' moment, Jack O'Niell."

Jack had a lot more respect for the Jaffa's knowledge of earth TV shows after that night.

**Rejecting**

McKay looked over the laptop screen at the hair-raising colonel.

"Can I help you?"

"What are you doing?"

"Writing a piloting manual for the puddlejumper."

…

"Mckay, have you _ever_ been laid?"

**Sick**

Jack and Daniel were on their fourth pot of coffee, waiting for Sam to recover from an off-world disease [they were supposed to take it in shifts, but Jack never liked sleeping when a hot blonde was in trouble, a curse from his macguyver years].

**Barrel**

At least five people's hands went to their faces in the conference rooms as Jack's monkeys arms fell apart, and the small yellow plastic figurines went crashing to the table.

**Substance**

The green liquid didn't want to come out of his hair. Jack groaned as five scientists surrounded and pulled, prodded and poked. Suddenly, Teal'c's shiny chrome dome was looking more and more appealing in this line of work [but then he wouldn't be able to show the general what the term 'ageing gracefully' meant].

**Adopted**

Daniel frowned as Jack and Teal'c proceeded to wrestle over the last jam-filled confectionary. "I knew I was adopted," the doctor confided to Sam.

"Well, with a family like this, you'd want to be."

**Units**

"It's astounding! Carbon makes up only five percent of the cell unit stru… Jack are you listening?"

"Stupid question, Carter!"

**Small**

"Calm down Felger, I'm sure Zoe didn't mean it like that…"

"Didn't mean it like that! She said I should stop sticking potatoes down my underwear because it doesn't impress anybody! How else am I supposed to take it!"

**Published**

When Daniel's first book was published, Jack demanded a signed copy. Well, he got one, and five years later the book on Egyptian hieroglyphs was lost to all eternity, Daniel's copy somewhere in his basement…

**Please**

"Come on Weir, Please? I'll… I'll make you a cake!"

"John, McKay's flying can't be that bad. Permission to sit out on this one denied."

"Well, It's not going to be as bad as my vengeance cake…" Weir couldn't believe the stupidity of the colonel sometimes.

**Miserable**

Jacob looked as miserable as a wet cat as he sat at the table, watching his daughter babble on about everything ingenious with a bunch of her co-workers.

"My little girl's all growing up," he sighed to himself.

"Just thank any god your Tok'ra lets you believe in that she's not preggers yet," Jack announced loudly. Sam threw a glare their way.

**Confront**

"I have a bone to pick with you, Jack," Daniel announced when they were off-world. A common scouting mission.

"And what would that be, Danny-boy?" Jack inquired, peering around the [vibrant green] forest.

"What did you do to my office last night?"

**Internally**

The graying Colonel would never accept a Tok'ra, not to save his life. It wasn't that he didn't like the small slimy snake-like creatures that lived in your neck, it's just that whenever he thought about it, he felt so violated…_ internally_.

**Brilliant**

The word 'smart' you would associate with people like Carter, Jackson, McKay [to some extent], even the General and Weir. Not with people like Sheppard and O'Niell. However, they were brilliant, in their own way. They just didn't like to brag.

**According**

According to legend, the gods were powerful. Well, if a group of three humans and one Jaffa could take down so many, they obviously weren't that powerful. According to rumour, Jack was lousy in bed. But who would believe his ex-ex-girlfriend anyway?

**Remainder**

They remained behind on the planet, not because they were young children being told to come home, so they would stay out later, but because they wanted to. Yeah, right. They were children, running away from General-daddy who was going to scold them blue when they walked through the gate.

**Date**

"You mean, like a date?" Jack asked, shocked. Sam stood defiantly, hands on hips.

"Yes, sort of. I expect you to bring someone with you though." In the end, Jack with Daniel and Sam with Teal'c were seated around the square table in the fancy restaurant, eating fancy food and comparing it to the lunchroom nosh. It's hard to have friends when you live your work.

**Encouragement**

"Come on you fat lump!"

"That's not helpful, John!" McKay floundered a bit more, before resigning to just hang there off the side of the cliff, rope and harness giving him quite the wedgie.

**Backs**

"If you have my back, then who has yours?" Daniel asked Teal'c.

"I don't need anybody to guard my back, Daniel Jackson," cue-ball replied in all sincerity.

"Good thing I'm not just anybody!" Jack called, untangling himself from some off-world scrub. Sam ignored all three of them,

**Secrets**

Jack didn't tell him this, but all of Doctor Jackson's books held pride and place in Jack's bookshelf.


End file.
